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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Note to self: always read the final line
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.