ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
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Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back