“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
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I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
christening a ship with an overripe banana
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over