Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
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WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
mood
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend