I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
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I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.