I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
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[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.