*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
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wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
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I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean