(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
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[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.