My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
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if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it