Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
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[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
when there are deer in the woods
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …