@WilliamAder

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

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@WineMummy

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

@ojedge

‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.

@MichaelTrying

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

@E_lok44

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

@Erin1137

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

@josephknuckles

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

@HenpeckedHal

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

@maxverygoodboy

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

@StyloDad

My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk

Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids