Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

You Might Also Like


Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.


‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.


* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.


“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys


People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.


all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood


Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…


~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*


My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk

Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids