Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
You Might Also Like
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.