Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

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wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen


Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.


Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many


wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years


Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]


I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.


Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.


Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”


Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?

Her: Always start with eye contact

Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*


In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.