@WilliamAder
@Chhapiness wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
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@Chhapiness 
@LackOfShame Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
@MarfSalvador Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
@heatdeath wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
@Marlebean Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
@metickleu I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
@TrueTorontoGirl Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
@HatfieldAnne Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
@Thuggedraccoon Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
@JimmerThatisAll In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.