The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
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Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *
My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
all I wanna do is
move to a safer neighborhood
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids