FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
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Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most