if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
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Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
everyone’s a critic
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Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
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Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin