if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
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The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.