[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
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roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me