Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
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while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
It’s a gift
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.