Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
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detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
No, I don’t think I will.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.