Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
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Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
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Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.