Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
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[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.