Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
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HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath