Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
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A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
This made me smile…
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol