Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
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What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
the answer was staring at me all along
car not found
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
asking santa clause for nudes
All set.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO