Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
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*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.