Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
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This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Happy thanksgiving
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it