me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
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I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.