*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
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My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
honestly, i need both:
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.