The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
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While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Can’t stop laughing
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
welp
my lower back watching me try to live my life
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground