Home is where your toilet is.
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Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
me before I type out affect or effect
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago