Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
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3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
🙂🙃🥹
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go