Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
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COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”