Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
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The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up