I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
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My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me: