“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
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[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.