i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
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Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Please do it!
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.