A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
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daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I have obtained a hat
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful