Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
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I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
The dark side of Canada
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls