You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
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Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Terribly Tuesday.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known