I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
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I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19