A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
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Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer