wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
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good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
(by @ZachWeiner )
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.