wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
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ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
bought wrong eggs
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”