Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
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The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Boy never ceases to amaze me