Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
You Might Also Like
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I’m giving up ice.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.