sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
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I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
me when i see my girls butt
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.