I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
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Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor