I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
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If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs