If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
You Might Also Like
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains