Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@krissywillbretz

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

@david8hughes

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

@ComradeToguro

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

@KeetPotato

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

@PaperWash

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

@GrantTanaka

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

@mxmclain

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

@Token_Geezer

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?