Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

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Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.


I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.


If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.


wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”


Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun


[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]


Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s


When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.


4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?