Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
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Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Cha-ching is my safe word
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Never ghost your hitman.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”