*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
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even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.