“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
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Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.