I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
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Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.