[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
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i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
yeet
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”